M00NCRAB

home
contact
complaints
investor relation
dissatisfied?
speeches & writing compliment corner
very dissatisfied?
testimonials
daily affirmation
coffee orders
pledge
donate now
letters from ceo
dreams
thought-poems
gulf of mexico
comets
navigation
links
marriage counseling
home ec
phys ed
tibald theragon
web orders
shopping carts
coupons
web links
website
world wide web
weenerkid
tutorials
parsimony
allegory
alimony
contact
about
blog
favorite cereal
staff picks
burge butal
donations
pay as you go
internet
diversity
computer
games
space.
calculator
free stuff
t-shirts
contests
re-gifts
slogans
meteorites
lover's corner
original
websites
music
video
pictures
i love you
tree
parsley
cereal box decoders
page boy
picklepuker
haircut
napkin
mannequin
free for all
meteors
anomaly
motto
energy work
yoga
potent
support
present

may 4th: the day before may 5th, given at one of the online mooncrab headquarters in bismarck, south texas

"folks, i will be brief here, but let me first say a few things. things have changed, and to some extent, are always changing. we are sitting here on may 4th, 2009. a time like so many other times, but this time it is a bit different.

folks, the reason i have called this meeting, after such a long absence of silence, is to discuss--among other things--how this day is like and also not like, other days we have faced.

yes, the economy is in the pooper, yes, we need to start making money, and yes, i have been in hiding--from my wife, family, the media, and lastly, you all--my mooncrab employees who i somewhat and to a large extent value when called upon (for the various things i may or might need help with*).

folks, i've gotta write. i have been down way, way, way too long, it has been way too long, and i for one am sick and tired of it being so long, as i said. if you didn't hear me say that, you need to pick up your ears, and start listening you poor-listener dummy of a man.

'why are we here' you ask? well, that would be an excellent question, but it isn't. you sir, as i mentioned, are an idiot for asking that, or anything for that matter. it means you probably are not listening. you should know what the goddamned fucking hell i am talking about.

first, let me apologize for using curse words at a staff or board meeting. yes, you are probably right, i should not be using curse words. but, let me ask you--oh questioner of your everything; he or she who thinks that he or she knows everything about, especially in regards to that amazing man standing before you-- why f.g. pipers! well, sir or ma'am, you don't know shit about me or my standings as it were. so pipe the F down with those thoughts, you there, sir or madam (points to a few in webcam-based crowd).

and yes, i have been in hiding, and you are now seeing my new and perhaps true face*, perhaps the new face of mooncrab, if one of my colleagues hadn't stripped and ripped its ownership from beneath me, as i was in the depths and pits of despair at a local mental institution******.

yes, you heard it right, i was in a sanitarium. i promised my wife i wouldn't mention this, but it doesn't matter anymore. i am tired of living the lie that i am in an investor meeting. there never was an investor meeting, there is no meeting. you all are fired--well, that was my wish anyway--for all that gossip and shitstorm of shit you spread about me and the different theories floating around the various mooncrab headquarters. yes, i have been reading all your email, even while i was in the garage**, even that one email about who had the larger breasts*.

but they are and were all lies. i am just fine now, you need to see that. i am not going to fire you*, please don't be alarmed, you all have your jobs, just fine, like old times*. i guess i was just getting ahead of myself a bit. the emotion drugs from the local hospital work quite well actually when taken properly***. but enough of that, for now. back to why we are here, in this online meeting and conferencing.

i am here to tell you that everything at mooncrabs is just fine, we are going to get the ball or balls rolling as it is often said in various industries, and bring production backup to the minimums and high standards i set before leaving for my investor meetings. you see, folks, i was never in a sanitarium. i used that to shock you. i was in an investor meeting--actually quite a lot, infinite i presume.

since 2004-ish i have been meeting with all sorts of investors and dignitaries interested in just what we do here at mooncrabs, and i have been able to successfully market and bring to market the fast-paced and synergistic things that are just what we do.

after finding and signing many papers and legal documents i am now almost ready to reveal the new face of mooncrab, and of our new founder and ceo and now, new owner. but, we are not ready for that. why? well, what a stupid question. because, we have NOT sold mooncrab**** and are going to continue on status quo--which is latin for doing things the same as when we did them some time ago, in the distant future.

you see, using latin can be quite deep and the layers are many, but we shall not go into here for now. but allow me just this one indulgence--latin reminds me of going to rome as well as being in a catholic church, of which i have never actually attended a full or even partial mass as it were.

ok, so please gather your belongings and thanks again for meeting. have the best day you or i could imagine and make it a great one--the choice is yours, ladies and or gentlemen!"

----------------------------------------------

*your services are no longer needed or wanted. f.g. pipers does not need your help. please gather your things, this is a meeting about you being fired. yes, you read this right, you are now fired. you should not have made the ceo mad when you blew whatever you blew. instead of questioning what you are reading, just gather your belongings and make your way out of here.

**one of many of f.g. piper's first published lies

***the third known lie in this particular speech

****the forth and final known lie in this particular speech+

******the mental institution was not local

+actually our legal team has not reviewed this statement or analysis for accuracy